“Because you’re young, you’re torn between a world of hate, and a world of dreams. So much to lose, so much to gain, so much to fight for, so much to change.” -Anonymous
So, this is the beginning of a blog for me. I’ve been working on a story/novel for a little over a year now and I haven’t gotten very far into the story. I’m only on having chapter 6 edited for me, but quite a few of my closest friends and family have read it. My sister, Kolbi and my best friend Kristen both said I should start a blog for my story/works. So, as you can all see I am taking their advice and I am starting one. As of right now, I already know I will have at least 2 people reading this. Love you sis and bestie!
I picked the quote at the beginning for a couple of reasons. The first being I am completely scared of change. Almost to the point that I haven’t accomplished quite a few things in my life that I wish I would’ve due to the fact of something having to change, but I’m so young and I shouldn’t be afraid anymore. I’m not going to be afraid anymore whether it will be something I gain or something I will lose. Also, I have been really scared to let anyone read anything that I have written. Very few people have for fear of it not being liked or someone having something bad to say, but how can I become a writer if I don’t let anyone read what I write? Isn’t that the point, writing, for someone to read what you wrote and maybe, just maybe, if you’re lucky they will get just as lost into your words as you did when you were writing them.
Anyway, here goes nothing. I will be adding new chapters every week to the story that I am currently working on for at least the next 6 weeks, since I have 6 chapters done, and I will also be using this for my own agenda too. Kind of like a two way street. So, if you are actually reading this. Chapter 1 will be posted Monday.
“It’s beautiful when you find someone that is in love with your mind. Someone that wants to undress your conscience and make love to your thoughts. Someone that wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you’ve built up around your mind and let them inside.” -Unknown.
This world is so twisted when it comes to love and relationships. Beyond twisted. People play games to try and figure out if the person is worth their time or not, they play with your mind to see how far they can push things without ever really caring what it does to you, and then, then maybe you’ll be accepted into their lives as someone they might want to have an actual relationship with. I’m so sick of it. I’m tired of trying and trying to only get burned in the end. What do I have to do to make you realize I’m worth it? I just want someone, to actually believe in me.
“One” and I are still talking, still hanging out, and still doing whatever it is that we are doing. He finally kissed me the other night and it was amazing. Kissing is a huge thing for me. I’ve been with two different guys who didn’t like kissing and I won’t go through that again. My best friend thinks that he’s not going to be good for me and she may be right, but that’s something I’m gonna have to figure out on my own. I did tell her that in 2 months if things were still the same and we hadn’t gone anywhere then she could slap and tell me I was headed into a bad path, but right now I feel like things are okay. Even if he does press my buttons, repeatedly. But he did admit last night that he’s doing it to see how much he can get away with. I can handle quite a bit so we’ll see how far he thinks he’s going to get. I’ve been stepped on quite a bit when it comes to relationships, so I know when to step back or when to push. I’ve come to conclusion that he will end up being my boyfriend. I know he will. I just need him to believe in me.
He does make me beyond happy though when I’m with him. I feel like nothing can stop me or go wrong. I feel free and I want to smile at all times. Even after I leave him, the bubble takes a very long time to wear off.
“An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great.” –Anonymous
“One” and I actually had a conversation about what we both wanted. I am so happy that he actually talked to me about it. He also told me about the things in his life that he wants to change/fix. It’s going to be a challenge, but I’m up to the challenge, hence the title of this post. He needs help and I’m going to help him. I can’t help him mentally, but physically I can. He needs out of his town, because all the people he surrounds himself with are just bringing him down, so I’ve hinted at him moving to my town. (It’s only a 30 minute difference, but if he doesn’t tell people, then the 30 minutes can change quite a bit of things.) He needs to get a job. Granted the boy doesn’t have to work due to having some very rich grandparents, but him working would give him something to do and would probably make him a little happier in knowing he’s accomplishing things and not just having money handed to him. Plus idle minds mean idle hands. He needs to get off of whatever drug it is that he’s on. I’m pretty sure he’s on pills and I can’t be around that. I’ve already had my problem with those and I honestly don’t know if I could handle them being back in my life. I started down that road and it’s scary. I did things I’m not proud of for pills. I will NOT do that again. So, if that’s what he’s doing, then he’s gonna have to stop. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Mentally, he’s got social anxiety badly. I mean badly. He knows and has accepted the fact that he’s got a problem, but he hasn’t accepted it to the point that he needs to go talk to him. I can not fix this. I can’t. So, I’m hoping that he’ll accept that he needs to talk to someone and go get the help that he needs. But I figure we take one step at a time. First is getting rid of the people that bring him down, second is getting a job, third is getting off the shit he’s on, and fourth is getting help for his anxiety. Looks like we’ve got a good plan. Now just to sit down and talk to him about this. Gah. I don’t know HOW I’m going to accomplish that, but I’m gonna try. Also, yes I know he should probably get off of whatever it is he’s on before looking for a job.
I fully believe that I have become a video game addict. It seems like lately I’d rather get lost in the world of Skyrim (favorite game ever btw) or Fallout than do anything really. But in all honesty, my friends have bf/gfs and everyone has been so busy it seems like lately. It gives me something to do, I guess. I don’t know. I’ve always really liked playing video games, but it seems like lately video games seems to be the only thing I want to do. I haven’t even opened a good book in awhile and that’s sad. I’m a huge book nerd and would prefer getting lost in a book over most things, but lately reading makes me sad, because I really want to be a writer and writing has become so hard for me. I’m really bad when it comes to writing descriptions. I can’t seem to pull enough words out of my head to describe things. Even in my English classes, my professors have said that I need to invest in a Thesaurus and I have, but it still doesn’t change the fact of me being horrible with descriptive words. I need to take a class just for that. Do they have that? Is that even an option? The only good thing is I am on Chapter 6 of my novel and a really good guy friend of mine edits my chapters adding or taking things out of the story, and it makes it even better, but I can’t think of things to write about anymore. My main character is based on a guy I knew a long time ago. I don’t know him now. I can’t write about someone I don’t know, but I don’t really know anyone as well as I knew him. It’s hard making up things about someone that you don’t know anymore and I don’t really want to change my main character. I’ve fallen in love with him.
“One” has asked me to come stay with him on Friday and go fishing with him on Saturday. I’m highly thinking of doing this. I also really miss going fishing. I haven’t been able to do that in quite awhile since I moved back into town. I know it wouldn’t be anything more than us cuddling, since the guy hasn’t even kissed me yet. I’ve been waiting forEVER it seems like. The anticipation is killing me. I want him to kiss me so freaking bad. I don’t understand why he hasn’t. I’ve asked him and he says it’s because I didn’t stay with him last week, but personally I believe he’s just as nervous as I am. But our banter has become quite flirtatious and I LOVE IT! He is going to be mine, whether he’s got issues or not. I know that being with him may not be the best decision, but I haven’t always been one to make the right decision. I feel that if it feels right, then it probably is, but people can always disappoint me in the end.
This weekend I could breathe. Actually, breathe. It was amazing what a little fresh air could do for one person. What a little closeness to nature could do for you. The day started out rainy and dreary, but the more the day progressed it turned into a beautiful day, as you can see from the picture I’ve taken. I enjoyed the day with compassion in my heart and not for just the day, but whom I spent the day with. “one” surprised me by showing up out of nowhere, meeting my father, and then sweeping me away to a day of driving, laughing, and lots and lots of flirting. Oh, and eye contact, which I’m really bad at. We ended up snuggled on the couch watching a movie, but he is so extremely sexy. Everything about him. The way he smiles, walks, and even smokes his cigarette is hot. I’ve got it bad. Really bad. He’s a mess and I want to fix him. I know it isn’t really possible to fix him, but I’m gonna try my damnedest to make this happen. He will be mine whether he likes it or not. Muah ha ha aha haha!
Taken at a friend’s house
Relationships these days are so much more different than the ones you read about in books or even watch on TV. I don’t understand it. Why does it have to be so different and why does it have to be such a game these days? I fully believe that if two people like each other, then they should try to make it work, but now people play games to see which one has the power over the other. Why can’t there be dates, courting, wooing, and even going steady these days? What happened to it all? What dramatically changed these generations into thinking it was okay to be the way we are now? I believe in all that and it’s so hard finding someone who actually believes in all the same things that I do. And believe me, I’ve tried. I just can’t fathom living by these rules that people have for relationships these days. The other night I sat down with a very dear friend of mine and he told me the “Rules of Dating” and all I could think is WTF. There’s dating, hanging out, going steady, and then bf/gf. It’s amazing to me all the hoops you have to go through just to hang out with someone that you like. Why can’t it just go like it used to? When someone liked you, they asked you on a date, then if you like him too, you’d go steady with that guy/girl, and they’d give you their class ring to wear or even their jacket. Now it’s pulling teeth just to get someone to go on an actual date. I have gone on a few dates and I know by the end of the date if I’m going to continue seeing that person or not. I’m not going to continually lead you on to see if I may or may not like you. To me that just doesn’t make sense. You either like them or you don’t. There’s no in between. I remember sitting by the phone when I was younger waiting for someone to call me just so I could talk to them. Now there’s texting, emails, and whatever else use of technology that can be found to get in contact with that person. There’s no surprise in it anymore. I’ve found that I don’t like talking on the phone much these days unless the person absolutely without a doubt interests me beyond the norm and then I might pick up the phone to talk to you. That’s something I’ve rarely found these days. I prefer to text. But then again how do you really get to know someone if all you do is text. It’s not the same. I just want a relationship where it goes out of this society’s norms and goes back to the way, I believe, it should be. Wish me luck. I’m not giving up until I get what I want. It’s going to be dates, going steady, and all that good stuff. Maybe someone will even send me flowers one day.
I sit here daydreaming as I look outside the window of my office and can’t help but wonder how many other people are doing exactly the same thing I’m doing. What are they dreaming about? Are they happy? Bored? Remembering things that have happened in the past? I know I look out the window and think about what I wish I could be doing if I were outside right now enjoying this sunlight on my face and arms. The sunlight just makes me happier in general. I don’t know what it is, but the warmth and sunshine actually make me want to get up early just so I can enjoy some of it. It’s amazing what it does for you. For your mind, your soul, and your body. I try to soak up as much as I can as long as I can, but right now I’m stuck in this office for a couple more hours. I’m cutting out early today and I’m gonna spend as much time as I can enjoying this weather and probably daydreaming about how I wish my life really was. Or something like that. I’m working on fixing my life, becoming a better person, and also living with who I am, but this shit is hard. I didn’t realize how crazy of a path I was walking, but now living at home and doing hardly anything anymore has shown me how boring just sitting at home can be also. I guess it’s a no-win situation, but all I know is I hate it. I’m not the type to sit at home and do absolutely nothing. Its not in my nature and how my dad and step-mom can do it is amazing to me. They hardly do anything. Maybe I sat at home for 9 years while I was with my ex and did nothing together, maybe that’s why I have this urge to do something all the time, but come on, how can you just sit there every night day in and day out watching TV? I’ve tried doing it and I HATE it. There’s no way I can spend as much time as I have already of not doing anything. Most of my best friends are in great relationships right now and hardly have time to hang out, so the plan is to meet some new people this Summer and not focus all my time and energy on my best friends. I’ll still be there for them and they will still officially be my best friends, but I’ve got to do something else besides sitting at home by myself while they’re with their boyfriends doing whatever it is that couples do these days. Which by the way is a post I long to write about. Couples. What the hell is wrong with this generation? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I’ll post that one this week sometime. Probably tomorrow when I’m sitting in the office all day by myself again. My co-workers are at a conference. And I literally can not sit here all day long by myself. I’m gonna go insane. So, I’m leaving early in 2 hours, gonna put my swimsuit on, lather on some oil, and lay out until I’m sweating so much it’s insane! Ah, I’m so excited. 🙂
Why can’t people just let go and go with it? Why can’t you let go and be happy for once? What are people so scared of? I can’t help but question these factors. You could miss out on something that would’ve been so amazing just because you were a little scared. Everyone gets their heart broken. It’s the way of the world and I understand not wanting to go through it again. And I speak from experience when it comes to being heart broken. It does suck, but I’m not going to throw something away that could be amazing. “One” and I are still talking, but he’s so guarded that I want to scream. Finally, I just went on a little rampage and threw out all the ideas I’d had about him not wanting what he wanted. Guess what? He agreed with me on all of them. The one that stuck out the most to me is that he’s scared that I’m going to hurt him, which I AM NOT. Well not intentionally and I don’t plan on it. I just want to be happy and being around him makes me that way. You never know what could happen or where things would go, but I may not ever know because he’s too scared to even start something. I want to shake him and tell him to give me what I want. I’m not used to not getting what I want. I’m not trying to sound cocky, but I can be pretty persuasive when it comes to things I want. Whether it is boys, items, or jobs. People like me and I like people. Plus I may or may not have a smile that lights up a room. 🙂
So, I ask again why run? You’re going to ruin something that could be amazing, but you’re too scared to take a chance and I’m not going to wait around on your forever. Be bold. Be free. Take a chance.