Forgiveness…

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-Mahatma Gandhi

I keep asking myself what the meaning of actual forgiveness is. The dictionary defines forgives as such: stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. The Bible states we should forgive, but sometimes forgiving someone is really hard. It means you have to let go of that anger, sadness, or whatever else emotion and not care about it anymore. We have friends, family members, and even random people who do some pretty shitty things to us once and awhile. It’s up to us, the person who gets hurt, on how we handle the offense, flaw, or mistake. It may be one of the hardest lessons we will ever have to face, especially with me. I keep flipping back and forth on forgiving someone for hurting me so deeply. Granted, they have apologized, but I don’t know how to look past the fact that they actually did it to me in the first place. This mistake they did has come at a really high price that I don’t even think they realize. They are happy right now, but in the long run when what is making them happy fails, and no, I’m not saying I hope it does, they won’t have anyone to turn to. That hurts me. Not being able to forgive immediately hurts me. I don’t like not feeling like I can’t trust people now. It’s insane to me how one little mistake can turn your world upside down. Make you think none of you friends are trustworthy anymore, all because ONE person hurt you. Say, you do forgive that person, the relationship/friendship will never be the same, but then again it could make it better or even worse. I’m pretty sure this is a life lesson I’m supposed to learn. I have a lot of trouble forgiving someone. At one time in my life, I actually would make someone’s life hell for doing something bad to me. I mean hell. I didn’t care how they felt, but I’m 30 years old now. I can’t keep living my life like that. I can’t keep hurting people when they hurt me. That’s not the way I want to live my life. I want to forgive and forget it even happened. I need to clear my mind and heart. I need to forgive them. I think I will. I know I can do this.

In all this mess that had happened to me, I lost two very important people to me, but in the long run, I’ve also grown way closer with two more. The past two weeks having these two in my life has been a blessing, plus I’ve rekindled another relationship with another dear friend. The two new friends and I have kinda been living life to the fullest, not really caring. It’s been amazing.  I would’ve posted sooner, but they showed up at my house, food in hand, and a iced sweet tea from McDonalds. It was on from there. We sat on the porch, drinking a beer, bullshitting, and of course laughing so hard we wanted to cry. Then we decided to walk to the park where from there we acted like we were teenagers again. It was such a good time. Slides, swings, teeter totters, dancing, and even just laying in the grass talking. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time and it was much needed. It just took my mind off of everything that had been going on. I’m still laughing as I think back on the evening. It’s too bad it goes by so fast. It’s 3:00 in the morning here. Already. Good thing I don’t go into work until 3 and I only work until 5.

Saturday, I am going on a date. My first one since I’ve become single. My first one in almost 9 years. I don’t know what to do or how to quite handle it. It’s only Tuesday and I’m already freaking nervous. I’ve never met him. We met on a dating website and have been talking, well actually texting for over two weeks now. He’s tried calling me twice, but I never answer. I’m afraid I’m not going to know what to say to him. I’m such a wuss. I hope it goes well, though. I’ve already started to form a little crush on him. I just hope he’s as nice in real life as he is through texts or that our bantering is even as good. We’ll see. Wish me luck. Oh, don’t worry. I will let everyone know how it goes….

And everyone who’s waiting on chapter 3, I will post it tomorrow night when I do my entry. If not, then it will be Wednesday. 🙂

Too Much Chaos….

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” -anonymous

I am so tired of so much chaos going through my head day after day after day, and forget sleeping. It seems to be worse when I try to sleep. Writing lately seems to be my only escape and even that has been a chaotic mess of words and sentences. They seem to overlap each other and reading them back to myself makes me sit back and think, “holy shit, why did I just write that?” And then I start again. Spilling out the same thing I’d just wrote a little bit earlier. So, maybe I should go talk to someone. I’m not sure. Its not like my life is in chaos or destruction. I know what I want and what I’m going to do to accomplish my wants/goals, but I still can’t stop myself from thinking about all the other things that are going on in my life. Like friendships, things people have done to me, no boyfriend, and other stupid shit. It’s all I think about. Even getting lost in a book makes me realize how lonely I am. There’s just too much chaos. So, I’m really hoping that meditation is going to help me clear my head out a little. Or at least help me learn to clear my head since you need to clear your head to meditate.

I am the type of person who is 99% happy most of the time, so being sad or angry is really hard for me to deal with it. I don’t know how to handle these other emotions. When I get sad, I get so completely upset, and I just don’t know how to be sad. When I get angry, I get so angry that I almost black out, and blacking out is really bad for me. All I see is black and I just go, almost ballistic, until I calm down.  Last time I blacked out, I had punched my sister in the face and given her a black eye. On Christmas Eve! I’ve never felt so bad about something my entire life. How do you ever explain you blacked out and didn’t realize you had done it? But, I was doing somewhere with this paragraph. Oh yeah, I’m really upset about my friend. I had told her that I would like us to go talk Sunday, but I don’t think I can. I feel as if she’s picked him over me. I’ve been her friend for almost 4 years and this last year we’ve gotten so close we were inseparable, but in a matter of 3 days she decided she liked him so much that she would rather be with him over our friendship. It hurts so bad. I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t forgive her just yet. She’s going to want to talk about her boyfriend and it’s not fair to even her by me putting a rule that she can’t talk about her boyfriend. I’m just really sad about all this.

Also, the ex texted me tonight with a picture of his new truck. I don’t understand why. Then the other night when our dog died and I went out there I seen that he had, had his mole removed. The one on his back. He thought it was disgusting and had been complaining about it for like as long as I’ve known him, but always left it alone because I liked it. It was a part of him. It’s just weird. I don’t understand how someone can change so much in a matter of 5 months. I have NO idea who he is now. It makes me so sad. But then again, I really haven’t known who he was the whole last year we were together. Or actually our communication skills were just horrible. Somedays I miss the shit out of him and other days, I know I’m better off, glad I’m not with him. How do you let go of someone completely?

♥Kirsten

Phone App-Trying Out

•I am having such a great day. I actually fell asleep last night by 1, which I haven’t done in months, and woke up today at 9:30. I had a hair appointment at 10:30 with a fantastic hair stylist/dresser in the world. Well, that’s my opinion anyway. I got about 6 inches of my hair cut off, and it’s actually a whole lot lighter and sits right above my chest. I had her put more layers in my hair and give me side bangs. Best part is she put purple on the underneath of my hair and its so cute. Love how a new haircut can make you feel. She is such an awesome person. We talked a lot about mediation and I’m going to read about it and hopefully get it down to where I can clear my head. It’s so chaotic lately.
•I texted my friend that I’ve been fighting with here lately and told her I missed the shit out of her. I love that girl. Even though she’s hurt me and I’ve
hurt her, I am really hoping we can work our shit out and just forget it happened. I don’t want things to be awkward or weird. I just want my best friend/sister back. I’ve told a few people that I was going to forgive her and talk to her. They just seem to blow up at me and I understand there points, but this is my life and I appreciate your concerns and opinions, but I’m going to do what I want to do, so please just STOP!
•I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to sunflower seeds. I eat the shit out of them. Like every night now. Is that bad?

Made Some Changes!

I have made some changeswhen it comes to my blog. I have actually made another blog just for my story. I know some of you didn’t care about my personal life and were just following me for my story, so I have made another blog and if you would like to only follow that then I would understand. I deleted Chapter 2 from this blog and will start the other blog with Chapter 2.

Here’s the link: http://myworstenemystory.wordpress.com

So, I think I’m almost ready to forgive my friend. I miss the shit out of her. I didn’t think I would ever miss someone this much, but I do. I want my friend back and I really, really wish it never would’ve happened. I wish I never would’ve gotten mad. I wish we could’ve sat down and talked about it, but no I saw black, which is bad, and flipped out.  And I lost one of the most important people in my life.  I don’t have anyone to be completely stupid with and didn’t care. I don’t have anyone to play “nail salon” with or to yell at for stealing my green skittles, which by the way are my favorite. I’m just REALLY sad without her in my life. But I won’t be friends with him ever again. It doesn’t even hurt that I’ve lost him either. He isn’t on my list of favorite people anymore.

How do I even begin to fix a relationship/friendship that was broken in 10 minutes? And how do I fix it knowing she’s still with him, knowing she’s going to want to talk about it with me? Am I a bad friend if I don’t want to hear it? Or is that just a stupid suggestion? How can I ask that of her?

UGH! I just want things to go back to the way they were before I got mad. I hate this.Man, I miss her so much!!!!! This is really starting to suck some major monkey balls. Has anyone just had that friend that gets you?

♥Kirsten

I didn’t think….

“When will people finally realize that words can cut just as deeply as any blade.” anonymous

A couple days ago I posted a blog about being betrayed and lied to. I went off quite a bit in it not really thinking about the consequences or what I was saying. I just didn’t think…..

My friend’s mom with whom I’m angry/sad/hurt at came by my work tonight to grab a few of her daughter’s things and to bring me back something that the daughter had of mine and she made a really good point. I can’t take back things that I’ve said. I didn’t realize the mom, whom I love dearly, had been reading this. Which meaning, the daughter probably had too. I feel horrible for the things I said. Not about him, but about my friend. I mean horrible. So, I texted her and told her I was sorry for the things I had said about her in my blog, that it was an immature thing to do, and I just wasn’t thinking when I posted it. Once again, I am so sorry. She didn’t deserve all that. I’m not in high school still where drama seemed to explode around me. I deleted those two blog entries for that reason. Yes, I know this is MY blog and I should be able to say whatever I want and whenever I want too, but if I read the things I had wrote and it was directed towards me, I would be so upset and as upset as I am with her, I don’t want her to be hurt worse by my angry, immature words.

I know how bad words hurt me so I should’ve known better. The ex was kind of verbally abusive. He just didn’t care what he said and there was times that I would’ve rather had him hit me than say the things he said. It was hard. Words do hurt badly. 

So, onto another completely different subject, one of my oldest and dearest friends, Penny Bagel, and I have been making craft projects for a long time now. We were getting together every Monday to make something different. I’m not sure what happened, but for at least 2 months we hadn’t gotten together. Ah, I have missed her. Anyway, last night we decided to make coasters, but I stole the idea from another older, dear friend K Money, from her phone call earlier.  So, Penny Bagel and I went to Lowe’s and bought 8 white tiles for .16 a piece. Then we went back to her house after stopping at the gas station for a Fountain Dew, Fountain DP, smokes, and some lottery tickets. We quickly exited the gas station as fast as we could because some weird guys came in singing. I mean WEIRD dudes. We laughed the whole way home about them.  So, anyway the coasters: I picked out what kind of scrap booking paper I wanted, and of course it was bright colors. We cute out the squares, spray glued them on, super glued the edges, and then sprayed a ton of adhesive on them. They look pretty awesome, as you can tell from the picture, and I can’t wait to try them out tonight. I’m going to make more for my roommate to match her living room. Love, love, love them! If you want to know how I did it, message me and I will give you step by step directions. Really easy and cheap. I’m pretty sure a lot of people at Christmas are going to get these. 🙂

The rest of the chapter……And more…..

“Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now.” -Nina Guilbeau

Well, I laid it all out there for him. I texted him last night laying it all out. I told him he was the “one” for me. That I wanted him and everything that went with him. I wanted to cook for him, clean house, cuddle(I’m not a big cuddler) with him, have children with him, marry him, and grow old with him. I also said I didn’t even care if we got married, just as long as I had him in my life.  I can’t help it. Its him, it always has been him. I’ve been a horrible girlfriend to him this past year because I couldn’t forgive him for the things he had done when we were broken up the last time, which by the way almost killed me. Literally. But I forgive him. And loosing him this last time is hard. Really hard, but I’m doing a really good job of hiding it and moving on with me life. Anyway, he didn’t text me back. He didn’t say anything back at all, and I know he got it. I know he read it. So, since he didn’t say anything, is that a good thing or not?

Also, for those of you who are following me and actually reading this, should I make another blog just for my story? I don’t want my personal life to intervien with my story. Some of you may not really care what’s going on in my personal life, but some of you might……

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All material is copyrighted!!!! If you steal it, I will hunt you down and beat the ever living **** out of you. Fair Warning!

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Chapter 1/Part 2- The Beginning

I awoke to someone crying. Why would someone be crying? Slowly, I opened my eyes cringing to bright lights and squinted to look around the room. Daisy was sitting next to me, head in her hands, full out bawling.

“Daisy, why I am in the nurse’s room?” I asked her quietly. She looked up and practically screamed my name, but noticed the wince coming on across my face and stopped.

“You fainted or something. Don’t you remember?” She asked, concern written in her expression.

“No. All I remember is talking to Zhander and then oh.” I replied as it all came rushing back. I put my head in my hands and shook my head. He must think I am the biggest idiot.

“Don’t worry; he was already out the door before you fainted.” She said as she knew what I was thinking. I laid back down and sighed. The whole fainting thing was not an everyday experience and I wasn’t even sure why it happened in the first place.

“Well, I see you’re awake, Ms. Perkins. That’s a good sign.” The nurse said as she came into the room. She was a short, pudgy lady, with bright red curly hair, and a pudgy face that held her baby poop brown eyes perfectly. For some reason, she always smelled like chocolate. I often used to wonder if she bathed in chocolate at night. I nodded my head and smiled. I did like her. She wasn’t mean or anything.

“I feel like somebody hit me in the head with a baseball bat.” I said wincing again, my head hurting terribly.  As bad as it did hurt, it wasn’t bad enough for me to stay here all day. I wanted to go home, hang out with Daisy, and go to that party tonight. I looked at the clock and noticed that I’d been sleeping here two hours already.

“You hit your head pretty hard when you fainted. I tried to reach your parents, but both of them are out of town for business. I think you should stay here for a little while longer, but I understand it’s the last day of school,” She said and I started to get up, “But if you start to feel worse, then you need to go see a doctor, Ms. Perkins.” The nurse said as she made sure I was alright.

I smiled at her and got off the bed before grabbing Daisy’s hand, skipping out as fast as I could.  Walking into the corridor was sad. It was empty. Nothing but papers, books, and trash littered the hallways.  We walked outside to my car with Daisy rambling on about something.  And like always, I wasn’t paying attention. I was too occupied with wondering why I had fainted. I hadn’t fainted since sophomore year when I was supposed to get up and sing in front of the whole school.  Let’s just say nobody asked me to sing in front of the school again.

“Did you hear me, Lydia?” Daisy asked as she smacked me on the arm. That brought me out of my thoughts quickly.

“No. Sorry. What did you say?”

“I asked if you wanted to go to my place or your place to get ready. I would say mine, because we always go there, but your parents are out of town, and we could have some fun there.” She smiled at me showing off her perfect white teeth that went with her perfect round face and golden blonde hair that set off her amazing tan and bright, blue eyes that seemed to have the pout down perfect. I wonder if when her parents named her Daisy if they knew the name was going to fit the personality and looks.

“I guess we’re going to mine then.” I laughed as we got in my car and headed the half hour drive to my house. The one I hated, because nobody was ever there, except for Rose, our maid. I was pretty much alone 98% of the time and the sad thing was I didn’t care. I was used to it.

 

 

 

 

And it’s time…:)

Okay, everyone tonight I’m posting the first part of Chapter 1. I am so excited what everyone will think, but also seriously nervous. I want a lot of feedback whether it’s good or bad. All feedback is appreciated. So here we go….

Btw: All material is copyrighted. If stolen, believe me I will hunt you down and you will be in seriously big trouble.

Chapter 1/Part 1: The Beginning

At long last it was the final class of the day and the last day of school. It was over…my senior year was finally over. I sat there looking at my classmates and almost started crying. Even though I couldn’t stand over half of these people, I would probably only be seeing them passing by. Maybe I’ll never see or talk to any of them again, which I was wishing that would be true for a certain few.  While those thoughts drifted about in my mind, the sniffles coming from the back row caught my attention. My best friend was doing the same thing I had been doing, looking around the room and probably having the same thoughts I was just deliberating on. I smiled at her when our eyes connected, a silent commitment being made between friends to make sure we stay in contact.

Before we could have a happy breakdown, our teacher decided to give us some parting words, “Well, class….I’m not going to say it’s been a pleasure, because most of you gave me hell every day of the week. But nevertheless, I will say good luck because I know most of you will need it.” Mr. Willington said as he looked right at me. I smiled weakly at him and thought ‘Did I really make his life that difficult?’ The bell rang and most of us sat here in a daze as the realization hit us and that it was over. The tears had actually started falling freely from my eyes when my best friend, Daisy, ran up and gave me a hug and not surprisingly I actually hugged her back. Everyone was saying bye and wandering around the room, curious if they should give people hugs that they couldn’t care less about. Daisy and I finally wandered out into the hallway, where it looked like a tornado had come flying through. Books, papers, lockers hung open, and textbooks all thrown across the hallways. We finally made it to our lockers. I opened mine and stared at it. Did I want to throw all my stuff down the hall too? I looked over at the line of lockers I had failed to make contact with for the whole Senior year. I had become invisible to them, which was great, but now that school was over, I wanted one last look at him. He was standing there with his back to the locker, one leg up, and completely unaware of how beautiful he was. He would raise his head and smile when someone would tell him bye. I stared at him for what seemed like hours to me, memorizing every line of his face. The way his green eyes sparkled, I mean actually sparkled in the light, the scar on his lip that didn’t show unless he smiled, his nose and the perfect shape of it.

“Lydia, you’re staring at him again.” Daisy said as she slammed my locker, which made him look up and look right at me. For a moment our eyes locked and I seriously thought I was floating towards him. His smiled that sexy smile that I loved and then went back to doing whatever it was that he found so fascinating.

I turned around to face her, “He is the only thing I am going to miss this year.”

“Ouch, that hurt,” She faked hurtfulness, and I just rolled my eyes at her, “Well, you should tell him that.” She replied easily.

“That’s easy for you to say. What? Just walk up to him and say Zhander, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you. I dream about you. I obsess over you.” I shook my head and laughed. Daisy looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. “What is wrong with you?” I watched her nudge her head in the direction behind me. I knew he was behind me. I knew without looking. I could feel him. I could smell him, that deep musky scent. I turned around to face him.

“Don’t you think we should go on a date first before you start announcing you’re in love with me? I could be nothing that you think I am.” He said arms crossed over his chest and a snicker on his face.

“I am, um….I…” I couldn’t breathe. My mind had gone blank. I didn’t even know my name.

“Lydia? Right?” I nodded. “Meet you tonight at Bridgetown Bridge. All the seniors are getting together to say one last goodbye.” I shook my head again, but this time I could feel the smile starting on my face. I was going to smile so big my face was going to hurt.

“Okay. We will see you there, Zhander.” Daisy said for us and with that he walked away. When he walked away I felt like I was dying. My life was gone. I wanted to scream at him to come back and comfort me. What the hell was wrong with me?

“Well, that was interesting.” Daisy said, smiling as she grabbed her coat out of her locker and headed out the same way Zhander had just gone. I slowly followed behind her. Maybe I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. My chest ached. My head hurt and I was starting to see stars. Actual stars. I wanted to grab one. Something was definitely wrong with me.

“I think I need to go see the nurse, Daisy.” I said before everything swirled into a greyish black and I fell like two tons of brick. My head hit the concrete, bouncing off upon impact before my vision faded to black.