Too Much Chaos….

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” -anonymous

I am so tired of so much chaos going through my head day after day after day, and forget sleeping. It seems to be worse when I try to sleep. Writing lately seems to be my only escape and even that has been a chaotic mess of words and sentences. They seem to overlap each other and reading them back to myself makes me sit back and think, “holy shit, why did I just write that?” And then I start again. Spilling out the same thing I’d just wrote a little bit earlier. So, maybe I should go talk to someone. I’m not sure. Its not like my life is in chaos or destruction. I know what I want and what I’m going to do to accomplish my wants/goals, but I still can’t stop myself from thinking about all the other things that are going on in my life. Like friendships, things people have done to me, no boyfriend, and other stupid shit. It’s all I think about. Even getting lost in a book makes me realize how lonely I am. There’s just too much chaos. So, I’m really hoping that meditation is going to help me clear my head out a little. Or at least help me learn to clear my head since you need to clear your head to meditate.

I am the type of person who is 99% happy most of the time, so being sad or angry is really hard for me to deal with it. I don’t know how to handle these other emotions. When I get sad, I get so completely upset, and I just don’t know how to be sad. When I get angry, I get so angry that I almost black out, and blacking out is really bad for me. All I see is black and I just go, almost ballistic, until I calm down.  Last time I blacked out, I had punched my sister in the face and given her a black eye. On Christmas Eve! I’ve never felt so bad about something my entire life. How do you ever explain you blacked out and didn’t realize you had done it? But, I was doing somewhere with this paragraph. Oh yeah, I’m really upset about my friend. I had told her that I would like us to go talk Sunday, but I don’t think I can. I feel as if she’s picked him over me. I’ve been her friend for almost 4 years and this last year we’ve gotten so close we were inseparable, but in a matter of 3 days she decided she liked him so much that she would rather be with him over our friendship. It hurts so bad. I don’t know how to deal with this. I can’t forgive her just yet. She’s going to want to talk about her boyfriend and it’s not fair to even her by me putting a rule that she can’t talk about her boyfriend. I’m just really sad about all this.

Also, the ex texted me tonight with a picture of his new truck. I don’t understand why. Then the other night when our dog died and I went out there I seen that he had, had his mole removed. The one on his back. He thought it was disgusting and had been complaining about it for like as long as I’ve known him, but always left it alone because I liked it. It was a part of him. It’s just weird. I don’t understand how someone can change so much in a matter of 5 months. I have NO idea who he is now. It makes me so sad. But then again, I really haven’t known who he was the whole last year we were together. Or actually our communication skills were just horrible. Somedays I miss the shit out of him and other days, I know I’m better off, glad I’m not with him. How do you let go of someone completely?

♥Kirsten

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