Forgiveness…

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.-Mahatma Gandhi

I keep asking myself what the meaning of actual forgiveness is. The dictionary defines forgives as such: stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake. The Bible states we should forgive, but sometimes forgiving someone is really hard. It means you have to let go of that anger, sadness, or whatever else emotion and not care about it anymore. We have friends, family members, and even random people who do some pretty shitty things to us once and awhile. It’s up to us, the person who gets hurt, on how we handle the offense, flaw, or mistake. It may be one of the hardest lessons we will ever have to face, especially with me. I keep flipping back and forth on forgiving someone for hurting me so deeply. Granted, they have apologized, but I don’t know how to look past the fact that they actually did it to me in the first place. This mistake they did has come at a really high price that I don’t even think they realize. They are happy right now, but in the long run when what is making them happy fails, and no, I’m not saying I hope it does, they won’t have anyone to turn to. That hurts me. Not being able to forgive immediately hurts me. I don’t like not feeling like I can’t trust people now. It’s insane to me how one little mistake can turn your world upside down. Make you think none of you friends are trustworthy anymore, all because ONE person hurt you. Say, you do forgive that person, the relationship/friendship will never be the same, but then again it could make it better or even worse. I’m pretty sure this is a life lesson I’m supposed to learn. I have a lot of trouble forgiving someone. At one time in my life, I actually would make someone’s life hell for doing something bad to me. I mean hell. I didn’t care how they felt, but I’m 30 years old now. I can’t keep living my life like that. I can’t keep hurting people when they hurt me. That’s not the way I want to live my life. I want to forgive and forget it even happened. I need to clear my mind and heart. I need to forgive them. I think I will. I know I can do this.

In all this mess that had happened to me, I lost two very important people to me, but in the long run, I’ve also grown way closer with two more. The past two weeks having these two in my life has been a blessing, plus I’ve rekindled another relationship with another dear friend. The two new friends and I have kinda been living life to the fullest, not really caring. It’s been amazing.  I would’ve posted sooner, but they showed up at my house, food in hand, and a iced sweet tea from McDonalds. It was on from there. We sat on the porch, drinking a beer, bullshitting, and of course laughing so hard we wanted to cry. Then we decided to walk to the park where from there we acted like we were teenagers again. It was such a good time. Slides, swings, teeter totters, dancing, and even just laying in the grass talking. It was one of the best nights I’ve had in a long time and it was much needed. It just took my mind off of everything that had been going on. I’m still laughing as I think back on the evening. It’s too bad it goes by so fast. It’s 3:00 in the morning here. Already. Good thing I don’t go into work until 3 and I only work until 5.

Saturday, I am going on a date. My first one since I’ve become single. My first one in almost 9 years. I don’t know what to do or how to quite handle it. It’s only Tuesday and I’m already freaking nervous. I’ve never met him. We met on a dating website and have been talking, well actually texting for over two weeks now. He’s tried calling me twice, but I never answer. I’m afraid I’m not going to know what to say to him. I’m such a wuss. I hope it goes well, though. I’ve already started to form a little crush on him. I just hope he’s as nice in real life as he is through texts or that our bantering is even as good. We’ll see. Wish me luck. Oh, don’t worry. I will let everyone know how it goes….

And everyone who’s waiting on chapter 3, I will post it tomorrow night when I do my entry. If not, then it will be Wednesday. 🙂

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