Almost just too much…..

Chaos. Chaos. Chaos.

That’s what is going through my head. A lot of fucking chaos. Its too the point to where I don’t sleep. Maybe 3-4 hours every two days, and then the 3rd night I end up sleeping almost 12 hours to get caught up. It’s becoming ridiculous. I’ve been taking melatonin and it hardly works these days.

I’m going to post another post later on in the day about whats been going on an hopefully, I can get caught up on the blogs I’m so behind on. And believe me my next post is going to be super long. I have lots to write about.

♥ Kirsten

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Strawberry Fields Forever!!!

Sorry I haven’t wrote in a few days. My life has been kind of insane, but fun all the same.

It’s now 3am. “Dancer” is passed out on the floor of my room. Snoring. I want to touch him, wrap my arms around him, and just snuggle into his warmth. I know he would freak out though. I think I scare him. He says he can’t ever tell if I’m being serious with him or not when I tease. I am joking for the most part, even though deep down I’m thinking, “What if.”  I told him how I felt. He was over on Thursday, watching The Vampire Diaries with my roommate and I. By the way, The Vampire Diaries is my absolute favorite show. Ian Somerhalder, aka Damon Salvatore, is my dream actor. I would do some bad, bad things to that man. Mmmmmm. Oh, yeah sorry I like I was saying, he was over watching the show with us when he started asking me for my best friends’ phone number. I gave it to him even though it absolutely killed me. Yes, I texted her telling her what was going on. She didn’t message him back. So, I wait awhile before I text him the question I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer to. I asked him if he really liked my best friend.

him: Omg! Really!? Why you wanna know? Be honest!

me: Because I’m curious

him: Y????

me: Doesn’t really matter why. Just forget it. Goodnight.

him: First of all, it sounds like you may be jealous. Hmmmm??

So, guess what I do. Yup. Completely tell him the truth. I told him it would make me jealous. That I was crushing on him. Hard. I asked him if he was happy now that he got it out of me. And he says something that I knew was coming, but didn’t want to hear or actually read it. Our friendship was awesome. “We don’t need to bring feelings into it.” Yup, basically he doesn’t like me like that.  Then I started crying. Not because he didn’t like me like that, but that now things were going to be weird between us and it would break my heart if our relationship was weird like that. He is one of my closest friends right now. He’s my sunshine in this crazy world. Him being around just makes me happy.  I can pretend like he doesn’t mean that much to me if our friendship was the same. He came up to my work the next night to bring me a soda. It was amazing. Our friendship was exactly the same. Almost like I’d never said anything. Thank God, because I couldn’t handle loosing him. I hate when people leave me. I have this bad problem with people walking away from.

I met this guy on Plenty Of Fish. We’ll call him “Christian.”  Anyway, he met me at my house, we went to eat dinner, and then rented 4 scary movies. I grabbed “Dark Shadows,” “Grave Encounters,” “Cabin In The Woods,” and “Season Of The Dead.” We watched all 4. So, he did end up staying with me and we did end up messing around. It was fantastic. He’s pretty dominate and I’ve never been dominated. I did not sleep with him, but I probably would’ve if I wasn’t hanging out with Aunt Flo. It was so intense. I’ve never had a sexual experience like that and I’m 30 years old. I don’t think I’m going to date him. He’s too dark and I’m all sunshine and rainbows. He’s in the Military and paranoid about everything. I just don’t know if I can handle his darkness and paranoia, but I can handle his dominance, so I think I might have a sexual relationship with him. I guess I should just throw it down for him. See, if he’s down.

My sister got a tattoo this past weekend. It’s beautiful and made me seriously green with envy. I love tattoos. They are beautiful. And my jealousy kicked in so bad. By the way, he tat says, “Go Forth and set the world on fire.”  I love it. I even love it done in red. So, I made plans with her to go the next day so I could get a little infinity symbol on my wrist in red. We met up the next day and took the side road because it was a warm, beautiful Fall day. We made it about 4 miles before the exit we needed before my tire blew out. We were literally in the middle of nowhere. Thank God, we had cell phone service. I called my two friends that were car savvy and of course they didn’t answer. Finally, after about 5 cigarettes, I broke down and called my dad. He told me to call my brother. About 45 minutes later and about 20 hillybilly scary ass people stopping to ask if we were okay later, my brother shows with the spare tire off his car. It took forever for him to get my tire off because it was stuck. Finally, he did and guess what the spare didn’t fit. That would’ve been too easy. So, my brother had to go to the closest town, which was about 10 minutes away to buy me a brand new tire, leaving my sister and I once again stuck on the side of the road by ourselves, but this time my brother left us this huge metal pipe type thing for us to use just in case. My sister and I had a photo shoot with it, played baseball with rocks with it, and then pretended to fight over it.  My brother finally returned, put the tire on, and we were on our way. But I realized this was probably Fate’s way of telling me I didn’t need a new tattoo, because the tire cost me $100.  Even though my sister and I were stuck on the side of the road for most of the day, we had a blast. An absolute blast. I wouldn’t trade that day for anything. I think it brought us closer.  We’ve been having lots of good times here lately.

I will probably post again tonight sometime. I’ve had lots to write about, but I’m tired.

♥ Kirs10

Oh Wowwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

Today has totally been a Monday. Some of it has been good, really good, but some of it has been bad, but good at the same time. I just need to remember that every action you do has a consequence too. Today has been a really good day even if stupid things have been said to try to bring me down, but guesssssss what, I win this round and you will never bring me down again. Ever.

Last night my room-mate and I had a dinner party. We invited her boyfriend and “Dancer.”  Tacos were made and destroyed by all 4 of us. We ate the shit out of those tacos. Tacos are probably my favorite food these days and I think it’s because my “ex” didn’t like them and we hardly ate them. Anyway that’s besides the point. After we ate we had some cookies that my room-mate made and then got way into a game of Apples to Apples. We laughed so hard and had a great time just playing a stupid board game. The room-mate won, then “Dancer”, me, and then roommate’s boyfriend. The Dancer and I were trying to text each other while we were sitting there. We quickly found out that his texts weren’t going through. I could get everyone else’s texts, but his. He was even getting mine. We could not figure out what was going on. I bet we sent 100 messages back and forth to each other before I decided to call the phone company to have them figure out what the hell was going what. Guess what, after almost an hour on the phone with them, they couldn’t figure it out. Of course. So, I figured I would back track, because apparently I hadn’t been getting his texts since the night before, and I deleted his name plus the app I downloaded before I thought I stopped getting his texts. I guess that’s what did the trick, because about 10 minutes later I was getting his texts. Thank Goodness. He’s the person I text almost the most these days. We texted for a little bit after he left and then he passed out early. Soon after he passed out I came into my room to paint my nails and to have a huge text convo with my best friend, “Teenie.”  It was great until she passed out on me and my Insomnia kicked in. I didn’t fall asleep until almost 6 in the morning and I got up roughly around 12. Lets just say I wasn’t a happy camper when I woke up.

I don’t do well with waking up. I definitely do not do well when I’m tired, had very little sleep, and horrible nightmares about my “ex.”  I had some messed up dreams about him moving and him having sex with a friend of mine. So,  I was seriously crabbie when I got up. I sat outside and smoked like 4 smokes and read all my texts that I have. Finally, I was calmer. But I still spent the whole day in my room, alone. I just did not want to be bothered. I got caught up on some blogs that I hadn’t read.

Finally, 8:00pm rolled around and I headed to Penny Bagel’s house. We talked for a bit about what was going on in our life and I told her I really wanted my own place. I really want to be alone. I’m tired of living with someone. I’ve been living with someone for almost 10 years. I’ve never lived alone. Never. She immediately gets on a local website and finds one.  As she reads it to me, I leaned over her to look at the pictures, and it’s cute. It’s $335 a month. I’ve been paying my room-mate $300 a month for a room. A fucking room with baby border that she won’t let me tear down. Anyway, it’s an 1 bedroom efficiency apartment. Utilities, water, sewer, trash, heating, and ac are all paid for. I was like Really. This is too good to be true. Penny hands me my phone and makes me call the landlord. Turns out I’ve known the guy since I was a Freshmen in high school. I talked to him for a bit and made an appointment to look at one on Friday at 1:00. I am so excited. So is Penny. There’s only one apartment that has hardwood floors and that’s the one I’m going to look at. I can’t wait. I hope I like it and I can move in this weekend. I can pay him almost all of it except for the deposit, so I’m hoping Penny, my new manager, can talk to him and see if I can make payments. He’s going to let me paint. I literally want to do cartwheels. The only problem is, I can’t have pets. I have a cat. A cat that is like a child to me. I’ve decided I’m bringing her anyway. What are the odds of the owner coming over to my apartment for no apparent reason. If he does, I will hide her. If I get caught, then I’m just going to say I’m watching her and I will figure shit out. She’s fat and lazy. It’s not like she’s going to running around the apartment making a lot of noise. I think we’ve got this down. Did I tell you it was upstairs???? Yes. I hate people walking above me. I have almost everything except most kitchen appliances and a couch. Speaking of couch……. that leads me to my next subject. Ah, such excitement today.

So, my couches are at my “ex’s” house still. Great. So, I message him asking if I could have the loveseat. He immediately messages me back saying I could have the couch and the loveseat back. I told him I didn’t need both couches because I’m pretty sure they both won’t fit. And I proceed to tell him about the apartment. He then asks me why I want to move. So, I send a seriously long text about how I’m paying $300 for a room when I could be paying $325 for a whole apartment. Utilities and all paid. How I need to become more independent and live on my own for a bit. He texts me back asking me when I started having actual money and how he always knew I was lying about be broke. But he was glad I just admitted it, because it made his decision a whole lot easier. I was in shock. I just sat there staring at my phone is shock. Penny looked at me and grabbed my phone out of my hand, read it really quick, and shook her head telling me not to text him back, but I couldn’t just let it slide. So, I messaged him back saying something about how I was paying for my car, our cell phone bill, and dinner every other night for us. I also acknowledged the fact that I have trouble saving money, but I was working on that and becoming more independent. So, then he texts me back saying that this was a waste of time, that I was a waste of time. I got pissed and went off. I told him he was an asshole, pathetic, and I wasn’t doing this shit with him. I also told him not to text me back, but of course he does saying, ” I stand corrected, you WERE a waste of time.” I told him he was too, asshole, that we have been broken up for 6 months now and he needed to get over himself. I also said that he was seriously pathetic for mean to me for trying to better myself. I said, I will call you if I get the apartment and want to grab my couch and that things he says to me don’t hurt me anymore. It was finally over. I was done. I am done. Why would I even want to be friends with someone like him? I feel free. I finally got some things out that I had been building up. I ALWAYS let him say or call me whatever he wants to me and I never stand up for myself.

But that’s not where the story ends. 2:00am hits and I’m in the middle of writing this when my phone goes off. I ignore it for a moment and it goes off again reminding me I had a text. I quickly check it and start laughing. It’ the “ex.” The text reads “I’m glad things I said didn’t hurt you. I’m sorry for getting mad. Goodnight.” I quickly texted him back that I was sorry for calling him such horrible things and goodnight. What the hell? Why would he get so mad and say horrible things to me and then two hours later apologize?

So, It has been a pretty long day. Another blogger on here wrote me a poem about “Dancer” and I.  I  re-blogged  it. If you get a chance, you should read it. It’s amazing. You may even end up following him, because all of his poetry is pretty amazing.

Chapter 4 of my story will be uploaded tomorrow evening.

♥ Kirsten

Just text me….

“I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if it’s just for a second, that I’ve crossed your mind.” -anonymous  

My crush on “Dancer” is getting worse and bigger. We’ve been spending a lot of time together. I mean, a lot. He comes up to my work almost every night now and hangs out with me. We talk about everything and anything. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. It’s not weird to me or even awkward. Our relationship is completely platonic right now and it’s AMAZING. I told him tonight that being around him makes me happy and completely pushes the “ex” out of my mind. I don’t think about him, miss him, or anything when “Dancer” is around.  He flirts me, but always backtracks and says he’s just teasing me.  And then I will flirt back and he immediately goes quiet. He doesn’t know if I’m serious or not, but I always tell him I’m just teasing. Finally, tonight I was like ‘What if I wasn’t teasing?’ He got really quiet and said, ‘Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge if it happens.’ So, as things are going right now, I will probably not tell him. I will keep it all to myself, because I can’t loose him. I can’t. He’s the only thing/person that takes my mind off the “ex.”  I have to keep it to myself and it’s actually okay. I’d rather have him as my friend than ruin our friendship. What would you do? Would you tell him or keep it to yourself knowing that it could be something great? I will take any advice you may have to off. 🙂

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Tonight, at work, this really hot guy checks into my hotel and asks me for the Gov’t rate, so being the talkative person I am, I ask him if he’s stationed at the Military base about 30 miles from my town. He says yes and then whispers, “I’m a Wounded Soldier.” I looked up at him surprised and smiled as I said, “Excuse me.”  He went on to tell me about being shot in the back of the neck, close to his spine. I was like, “Well, you look pretty good for getting shot. And I’m glad you’re okay.” He smiles at me the most beautiful smiles and then drops a huge bomb.  Apparently, his spine is deteriorating and he will end up being paralyzed from the neck down. My jaw literally dropped to the floor and I could feel the tears welling up in the corner of my eyes. The sadness in his eyes that came through after he told me was a look I will never forget. I told him I was really sorry, smiled my best smile, and also told him I would pray for him. I wanted to run to the other side of the counter and give him a huge hug, but he was there for a wedding reception and did check in two guests for the room. So, I’m guessing he had a girlfriend. I felt so bad for him. It really broke my heart, shattered it into a million pieces, but I thank him for fighting for my freedom. I can’t shake the feeling and how upset he was, but he was beautiful in that same moment. Please pray for him. His name was Matt. That’s all I can give you.

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I’m not happy about Winter closing in on us. It’s coming a whole lot faster than I’m ready for. I love the snow, but I seriously can not stand to be cold. Once I am cold, I can’t warm up. Once my toes and nose get to that point, there’s no coming back from that. No matter how much clothes I put on. I’m all about the warm weather. I love Summer, the heat, the swimming suits, pools, and the sun’s rays.  Spring is pretty damn awesome too, but it seems like this year fall has been completely missed and it went straight on to Winter. I can’t take this. Already. I didn’t even get a chance to “warm” up to it. To gradually go into the coldness. It’s almost time for me to hibernate and not come out until that sun is shining warm, warm rays to warm me up. Ugh.  I am not happy about this situation.

♥ Kirsten

 

p.s. Chapter 4 of my story will be posted Monday night. But if you haven’t read it as of now, go check it out. Here’s the link:

http://www.myworstenemystory.wordpress.com

 

Just Breathe…

“May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss

‘Just a day,” he said down to the flask is his fist,

‘Ain’t been sober his maybe October of last year.’

Here in town you can tell he’s been down for a while,

But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,

Wanna hold him.  Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

Cause you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,

And life’s like an hourglass,  glued to the table.

No one can find the rewind button, boys,

So cradle your head in hands,

And breathe… just breathe

Oh breathe… just breathe.”

God, I love that song. It just shakes me completely to my core. If you don’t know what the song is, it’s “Breathe (2Am)” by Anna Nalick. The verse and chorus I just posted is my favorite. You should YouTube it and pay attention to the beautiful words. Every time I hear it, it makes me belt it out and sing as loudly as I can without a care in the world. I ♥ moments like that!!!

Well, last night was a “Bar” night. I don’t usually go on Thursdays, but a bunch of guests that are staying at my hotel were all going and they kept begging me to go. I had a blast. It was a night of drinking, flirting, and dancing. “Dancer” called me a hippy and danced with me a lot. He says he called me a hippy, because I just kept dancing to every song whether it was rap, country, or even rock n roll, and most times by myself. I get like that sometimes. I get to the point to where I just don’t care anymore. I was drinking and all I wanted to do was dance.  Whether it’s with someone or by myself.  “Dancer” had a little too much to drink, so I ended up running him home, but before hand we were standing outside talking to a bunch of the guests of my hotel, and they were going on and on about how much prettier I was when I was in normal clothes and not my work uniform. I would tell them thank you and smile, but they just kept going. Drunk men crack me up. As “Dancer” and I were walking off, the guys started yelling about how lucky he was. I mean literally yelling and whooping across the parking lot. It was so embarrassing. Even more embarrassing when I had to take some of them back to the hotel. “Dancer” and I have plans Sunday night. A completely platonic dinner. I don’t get it. He still flirts, but then tells me it’s weird when he crosses the “friendship zone.” Ugh!

I am freaking out. My dad messaged me and asked me to come over to talk to him because he was concerned about me. My dad has NEVER called me and asked me to come over and talk to him because he was concerned about me. I have NO idea what he wants to talk to me about, but I am nervous as shit and have been begging my sister to try and get it out of him. She just keeps telling me she’s not getting in the middle. I understand, but come on, I am going to have an anxiety attack. I asked him if I was in trouble and he said, “You’re  30 years old. You don’t get in trouble anymore.”  Even thinking about him being disappointed in me kills me. I have not tried my hardest in my life to make my dad proud. I’ve just kind of gone with the flow, but no matter what he’s always told me he was proud, even though I could tell he knew I could be something better. I’m going to try and make him proud of me. But right now, I am so upset. I don’t know what he wants to talk to me about and it’s about to drive me insane. UGH!!! I’m just going to call him as soon as I get up tomorrow.

I have “writer’s block” so bad. I don’t know where to take my story to next or even how to get it to where I want it to go. I’m gonna have to break down and ask my friend, Walt, what he thinks should happen next. Or actually how to get it to where I want it. If you haven’t read it yet, I think you should go check out my older blog. You may like it.

♥Kirs10

~*~You Make Me Smile~*~

If you want something fantastic to read, then you should go check out my story, which is called My Worst Enemy. Click on the title and you will be taken to a world of amusement and a great read. Chapter 4 will be uploaded tomorrow night.

 

 

“You Make Me Smile.”

A very good friend of mine, whom I’m sort of crushing on, told me that tonight. We’ll call him Dancer, and if he was to ever read this, I’m pretty sure he would appreciate the name, and immediately know who I’m talking about. So, with that being said,  I am so glad I took this off from being connected to Facebook. Too many people were reading this that I knew and shit was hitting the fan. Anyway, Dancer messaged me and said “You make me smile.”  Well, of course I immediately message him back and asked “why’s that?” You know what he says, which is pretty awesome all in it’s own, but not quite what I wanted to hear, and still made me smile. “Because you’re my friend.”  I don’t get it. But maybe that’s exactly what he meant, but he’s sending me some majorly mixed signals. One minute he flirts with me and then the next he says something along the lines of ewww you’re like my sister. It’s killing me. My sister and a few friends of mine think I should just MAN UP and say something to him, but if I say something, if I cross that line there’s no coming back. It could either push us closer together or further apart. It would kill me to loose him. He’s been a rock to me through a lot of my black cloud that has started creeping its way back over my head.  All I know is he also makes me smile.  *sigh*

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I’ve decided that since I forgave my friend, then I should forgive the guy “Douche Bag” that was also involved in the whole mess. So, yesterday I did message him telling him that I was still hurt about what he did to me, but I forgive him. I don’t want to keep carrying around this anger I have towards him. But he messaged me back telling me he was sorry for everything. I told him his apology was accepted, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or even could be friends with him again.  My friend is hurting because he hurt her and even though it really bothers me to hear her talk about him and their relationship, I know something has been bothering her, but out of respect she wouldn’t talk to me about it, but I’m her best friend and I want our friendship to get back to 100% again, so I listen and give advice. The whole situation is stupid and never should’ve blown up like that. I’ve kinda talked about it with her, about what happened, but to be honest, I just want to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened. But everyone knows it never works that way. I’m trying though.

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I haven’t talked to my “Ex” since Sunday night and I’m having major conflicting feelings about it. I could sit here and write about how much I miss him, but this week I don’t. And to you the reader, you’re probably saying that’s a good thing, but then I start thinking about stupid thoughts like If I’m not thinking about him, then he’s probably not thinking about me. I don’t want him to forget about me. I want him to miss me. I want to hear him say he misses me, but then again I don’t. It’s easier when we don’t talk. Waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy easier.  Also, in exactly 7 days would’ve been 9 years for us. 9 years. Makes me shake my head and roll my eyes.

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Halloween is coming. I love this month. All the tv shows that are Halloween related. All the really cute costumes to try on. I’m leaning between the Dreadful Doll costume or the Harlequin Clown, both in which are super freaking cute, as you can tell from the pictures. Which one do you like the best???? The Dreadful Doll is the one on the left and the Harlequin Clown is on the right.