Wanted to share….

Angels

It happens like this. One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger that anyone else- closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel- one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them- even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering- the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning- you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exists your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

………………………………………………………………….

It’s so dark right now, I can’t see any light around me. That’s because the light is coming from you. You can’t see it but everyone else can. 

-Lang Leav

I read this and can’t help but think about all the people that have come in and out of my life for one reason or another. Some have made me smile and some have made me so sad that I can’t even fathom why they were in my life to begin with. And then there’s that one person who leaves a major indent in your life, you can’t stop thinking about them, you want them around all the time, and you can not fathom the idea of that person walking out of your life, but 9 times out of 10 that’s what happens and it destroys you. But after reading this I’ve realized the reason why and it’s made the outcome so much easier. I understand it now. 

♥ Kirsten

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Things Could Be Worse…

ImageFor the most part, I fully believe that life gets better and things in life will get better, but lately life has been throwing me some good ones. This past year has probably been one of the hardest years of my entire life, but also good in the fact of finding who I truly am has came about. I feel like doing cartwheels when I think about all the things that I have accomplished since last year and it makes me happy. 🙂

ImageI’m still going to college, which has become a blessing in disguise to be honest. I’ve moved in with my parents this past year due to falling so far behind that I just could not live on my own anymore without making it worse. So, I broke down and moved back home at the age of 31. Guess how hard that was/is! I try and look on the bright side of this, and so far the bright side is that a} I’m becoming closer with my family again. Something I didn’t realize was getting so bad, b}I’m saving up more money, okay I’m trying to, and c} I’m actually becoming more of an adult instead of the wild teenager I was or have been in the past. Guess it’s time for me to grow up.

ImageA couple weeks ago, a great man was killed in a freak accident. My Papa, Richard Kurtz was going across the road to grab the dog that had run across the street. On his way back across the road, an older gentleman hit him, killing my papa and the dog instantly. My Papa was an amazing person full of orneriness and love. He wasn’t my real grandpa, but the moment my parents got married, he took us in as his actual grandchildren and loved us like we were his own. The cool thing that’s came out of this is that the story was on the news, then a paper in New York, United Kingdom, St. Louis, and Washington D.C. picked up the story and wrote amazing articles about him. I know he’s shaking his head up in Heaven and laughing at the idea that he became famous for a little while. It also makes me feel better knowing that when he got to Heaven, my Nana was waiting there for him with open arms. This has been really hard for my whole family. Everyone loved him completely and immensely.

257[1] My love life is non-existent to a point. I do have quite a few boys/men that I talk to or hang out with, but nothing serious with any of them, even though I’d really like to be with one of them. His name will not be released, but I will call him “One“. I dated him in high school and things just didn’t work out, and then I dated him again when my ex and I broke up for awhile, and now that I’m single he just seems to pop into my life at the most random times. We actually went out the other night and had dinner. Then we went to this lake and just sat there laughing and talking. It was AMAZING! I don’t get to do that with very many people, but with him I’m just so comfortable and I want him sooooooooooooooooooo bad to be mine, so everyone cheer for this to happen. He’s a tad wild and always has been which was something I liked about him so much when we were younger, but I think I scare him because he’s gonna have to settle down some and I don’t think he knows how to handle that. But I’m going to get what I want. It’s going to happen! 🙂

Well this entry has been pretty long so I will just end it here.

♥Kirsten

I am back!!!!!

It’s taken me awhile to build up the courage to get back on here and put my thoughts down for the world to see. A very long time. Almost a year has gone by or maybe longer since I last posted something. It makes me very happy to see that people who I was following are still on here and posting things still. This post won’t be too long because I’m tired and have to work tomorrow, but I just wanted to say I’M BACK PEOPLE!!!!!  I will probably post another post later today about what’s been going on. Now that one may be pretty long, so you’d have to bare with me.

♥ Kirsten

Almost just too much…..

Chaos. Chaos. Chaos.

That’s what is going through my head. A lot of fucking chaos. Its too the point to where I don’t sleep. Maybe 3-4 hours every two days, and then the 3rd night I end up sleeping almost 12 hours to get caught up. It’s becoming ridiculous. I’ve been taking melatonin and it hardly works these days.

I’m going to post another post later on in the day about whats been going on an hopefully, I can get caught up on the blogs I’m so behind on. And believe me my next post is going to be super long. I have lots to write about.

♥ Kirsten

Strawberry Fields Forever!!!

Sorry I haven’t wrote in a few days. My life has been kind of insane, but fun all the same.

It’s now 3am. “Dancer” is passed out on the floor of my room. Snoring. I want to touch him, wrap my arms around him, and just snuggle into his warmth. I know he would freak out though. I think I scare him. He says he can’t ever tell if I’m being serious with him or not when I tease. I am joking for the most part, even though deep down I’m thinking, “What if.”  I told him how I felt. He was over on Thursday, watching The Vampire Diaries with my roommate and I. By the way, The Vampire Diaries is my absolute favorite show. Ian Somerhalder, aka Damon Salvatore, is my dream actor. I would do some bad, bad things to that man. Mmmmmm. Oh, yeah sorry I like I was saying, he was over watching the show with us when he started asking me for my best friends’ phone number. I gave it to him even though it absolutely killed me. Yes, I texted her telling her what was going on. She didn’t message him back. So, I wait awhile before I text him the question I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the answer to. I asked him if he really liked my best friend.

him: Omg! Really!? Why you wanna know? Be honest!

me: Because I’m curious

him: Y????

me: Doesn’t really matter why. Just forget it. Goodnight.

him: First of all, it sounds like you may be jealous. Hmmmm??

So, guess what I do. Yup. Completely tell him the truth. I told him it would make me jealous. That I was crushing on him. Hard. I asked him if he was happy now that he got it out of me. And he says something that I knew was coming, but didn’t want to hear or actually read it. Our friendship was awesome. “We don’t need to bring feelings into it.” Yup, basically he doesn’t like me like that.  Then I started crying. Not because he didn’t like me like that, but that now things were going to be weird between us and it would break my heart if our relationship was weird like that. He is one of my closest friends right now. He’s my sunshine in this crazy world. Him being around just makes me happy.  I can pretend like he doesn’t mean that much to me if our friendship was the same. He came up to my work the next night to bring me a soda. It was amazing. Our friendship was exactly the same. Almost like I’d never said anything. Thank God, because I couldn’t handle loosing him. I hate when people leave me. I have this bad problem with people walking away from.

I met this guy on Plenty Of Fish. We’ll call him “Christian.”  Anyway, he met me at my house, we went to eat dinner, and then rented 4 scary movies. I grabbed “Dark Shadows,” “Grave Encounters,” “Cabin In The Woods,” and “Season Of The Dead.” We watched all 4. So, he did end up staying with me and we did end up messing around. It was fantastic. He’s pretty dominate and I’ve never been dominated. I did not sleep with him, but I probably would’ve if I wasn’t hanging out with Aunt Flo. It was so intense. I’ve never had a sexual experience like that and I’m 30 years old. I don’t think I’m going to date him. He’s too dark and I’m all sunshine and rainbows. He’s in the Military and paranoid about everything. I just don’t know if I can handle his darkness and paranoia, but I can handle his dominance, so I think I might have a sexual relationship with him. I guess I should just throw it down for him. See, if he’s down.

My sister got a tattoo this past weekend. It’s beautiful and made me seriously green with envy. I love tattoos. They are beautiful. And my jealousy kicked in so bad. By the way, he tat says, “Go Forth and set the world on fire.”  I love it. I even love it done in red. So, I made plans with her to go the next day so I could get a little infinity symbol on my wrist in red. We met up the next day and took the side road because it was a warm, beautiful Fall day. We made it about 4 miles before the exit we needed before my tire blew out. We were literally in the middle of nowhere. Thank God, we had cell phone service. I called my two friends that were car savvy and of course they didn’t answer. Finally, after about 5 cigarettes, I broke down and called my dad. He told me to call my brother. About 45 minutes later and about 20 hillybilly scary ass people stopping to ask if we were okay later, my brother shows with the spare tire off his car. It took forever for him to get my tire off because it was stuck. Finally, he did and guess what the spare didn’t fit. That would’ve been too easy. So, my brother had to go to the closest town, which was about 10 minutes away to buy me a brand new tire, leaving my sister and I once again stuck on the side of the road by ourselves, but this time my brother left us this huge metal pipe type thing for us to use just in case. My sister and I had a photo shoot with it, played baseball with rocks with it, and then pretended to fight over it.  My brother finally returned, put the tire on, and we were on our way. But I realized this was probably Fate’s way of telling me I didn’t need a new tattoo, because the tire cost me $100.  Even though my sister and I were stuck on the side of the road for most of the day, we had a blast. An absolute blast. I wouldn’t trade that day for anything. I think it brought us closer.  We’ve been having lots of good times here lately.

I will probably post again tonight sometime. I’ve had lots to write about, but I’m tired.

♥ Kirs10

Oh Wowwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

Today has totally been a Monday. Some of it has been good, really good, but some of it has been bad, but good at the same time. I just need to remember that every action you do has a consequence too. Today has been a really good day even if stupid things have been said to try to bring me down, but guesssssss what, I win this round and you will never bring me down again. Ever.

Last night my room-mate and I had a dinner party. We invited her boyfriend and “Dancer.”  Tacos were made and destroyed by all 4 of us. We ate the shit out of those tacos. Tacos are probably my favorite food these days and I think it’s because my “ex” didn’t like them and we hardly ate them. Anyway that’s besides the point. After we ate we had some cookies that my room-mate made and then got way into a game of Apples to Apples. We laughed so hard and had a great time just playing a stupid board game. The room-mate won, then “Dancer”, me, and then roommate’s boyfriend. The Dancer and I were trying to text each other while we were sitting there. We quickly found out that his texts weren’t going through. I could get everyone else’s texts, but his. He was even getting mine. We could not figure out what was going on. I bet we sent 100 messages back and forth to each other before I decided to call the phone company to have them figure out what the hell was going what. Guess what, after almost an hour on the phone with them, they couldn’t figure it out. Of course. So, I figured I would back track, because apparently I hadn’t been getting his texts since the night before, and I deleted his name plus the app I downloaded before I thought I stopped getting his texts. I guess that’s what did the trick, because about 10 minutes later I was getting his texts. Thank Goodness. He’s the person I text almost the most these days. We texted for a little bit after he left and then he passed out early. Soon after he passed out I came into my room to paint my nails and to have a huge text convo with my best friend, “Teenie.”  It was great until she passed out on me and my Insomnia kicked in. I didn’t fall asleep until almost 6 in the morning and I got up roughly around 12. Lets just say I wasn’t a happy camper when I woke up.

I don’t do well with waking up. I definitely do not do well when I’m tired, had very little sleep, and horrible nightmares about my “ex.”  I had some messed up dreams about him moving and him having sex with a friend of mine. So,  I was seriously crabbie when I got up. I sat outside and smoked like 4 smokes and read all my texts that I have. Finally, I was calmer. But I still spent the whole day in my room, alone. I just did not want to be bothered. I got caught up on some blogs that I hadn’t read.

Finally, 8:00pm rolled around and I headed to Penny Bagel’s house. We talked for a bit about what was going on in our life and I told her I really wanted my own place. I really want to be alone. I’m tired of living with someone. I’ve been living with someone for almost 10 years. I’ve never lived alone. Never. She immediately gets on a local website and finds one.  As she reads it to me, I leaned over her to look at the pictures, and it’s cute. It’s $335 a month. I’ve been paying my room-mate $300 a month for a room. A fucking room with baby border that she won’t let me tear down. Anyway, it’s an 1 bedroom efficiency apartment. Utilities, water, sewer, trash, heating, and ac are all paid for. I was like Really. This is too good to be true. Penny hands me my phone and makes me call the landlord. Turns out I’ve known the guy since I was a Freshmen in high school. I talked to him for a bit and made an appointment to look at one on Friday at 1:00. I am so excited. So is Penny. There’s only one apartment that has hardwood floors and that’s the one I’m going to look at. I can’t wait. I hope I like it and I can move in this weekend. I can pay him almost all of it except for the deposit, so I’m hoping Penny, my new manager, can talk to him and see if I can make payments. He’s going to let me paint. I literally want to do cartwheels. The only problem is, I can’t have pets. I have a cat. A cat that is like a child to me. I’ve decided I’m bringing her anyway. What are the odds of the owner coming over to my apartment for no apparent reason. If he does, I will hide her. If I get caught, then I’m just going to say I’m watching her and I will figure shit out. She’s fat and lazy. It’s not like she’s going to running around the apartment making a lot of noise. I think we’ve got this down. Did I tell you it was upstairs???? Yes. I hate people walking above me. I have almost everything except most kitchen appliances and a couch. Speaking of couch……. that leads me to my next subject. Ah, such excitement today.

So, my couches are at my “ex’s” house still. Great. So, I message him asking if I could have the loveseat. He immediately messages me back saying I could have the couch and the loveseat back. I told him I didn’t need both couches because I’m pretty sure they both won’t fit. And I proceed to tell him about the apartment. He then asks me why I want to move. So, I send a seriously long text about how I’m paying $300 for a room when I could be paying $325 for a whole apartment. Utilities and all paid. How I need to become more independent and live on my own for a bit. He texts me back asking me when I started having actual money and how he always knew I was lying about be broke. But he was glad I just admitted it, because it made his decision a whole lot easier. I was in shock. I just sat there staring at my phone is shock. Penny looked at me and grabbed my phone out of my hand, read it really quick, and shook her head telling me not to text him back, but I couldn’t just let it slide. So, I messaged him back saying something about how I was paying for my car, our cell phone bill, and dinner every other night for us. I also acknowledged the fact that I have trouble saving money, but I was working on that and becoming more independent. So, then he texts me back saying that this was a waste of time, that I was a waste of time. I got pissed and went off. I told him he was an asshole, pathetic, and I wasn’t doing this shit with him. I also told him not to text me back, but of course he does saying, ” I stand corrected, you WERE a waste of time.” I told him he was too, asshole, that we have been broken up for 6 months now and he needed to get over himself. I also said that he was seriously pathetic for mean to me for trying to better myself. I said, I will call you if I get the apartment and want to grab my couch and that things he says to me don’t hurt me anymore. It was finally over. I was done. I am done. Why would I even want to be friends with someone like him? I feel free. I finally got some things out that I had been building up. I ALWAYS let him say or call me whatever he wants to me and I never stand up for myself.

But that’s not where the story ends. 2:00am hits and I’m in the middle of writing this when my phone goes off. I ignore it for a moment and it goes off again reminding me I had a text. I quickly check it and start laughing. It’ the “ex.” The text reads “I’m glad things I said didn’t hurt you. I’m sorry for getting mad. Goodnight.” I quickly texted him back that I was sorry for calling him such horrible things and goodnight. What the hell? Why would he get so mad and say horrible things to me and then two hours later apologize?

So, It has been a pretty long day. Another blogger on here wrote me a poem about “Dancer” and I.  I  re-blogged  it. If you get a chance, you should read it. It’s amazing. You may even end up following him, because all of his poetry is pretty amazing.

Chapter 4 of my story will be uploaded tomorrow evening.

♥ Kirsten