“You’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.” – anonymous
First of all, I’m sorry for being so behind in reading all the blogs I am following. This past week and weekend have caused a huge black cloud to follow me around and I haven’t been able to get myself out of it. It’s still there and has been following me around for the last three years now, but I had completely shut it out of my life when I was happy, but now that I’m not 100% happy, it’s trying to find its way back. And to be honest, it scares me. I don’t think I can handle falling into that black hole of despair and anguish again. It was hard enough digging myself out of it the last time. If a certain person wouldn’t have walked into my life when he did, I don’t think I’d ever have been okay again. Everyone tried, but he was the only one who was capable of completely pulling me out. I honestly and truly call him my savior. And he’s gone now this time too. He’s basically married and has a baby. We never speak, which is understanding. He has his hands full and I understand, but it still hurts to realize he isn’t there to pull me out of this one if and when it happens. I’m really, really trying my hardest not to let it happen.
So, Saturday I went on my first date of being newly single. Like actual date. It was okay. That’s the only words I can say to describe the day/evening. He picked me up at 1, with flowers in hand, and we went to play putt-putt, ride go-carts, and then went to go eat at a place I hadn’t been to yet. By the way, it was really good. Then we came back to my house, sat on my bed, talked, and then went to go get dinner for that night. We ended up making homemade pizza and hitting up the Brewery with my sister. All and all, he’s a nice guy, but when he kissed me I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want to keep kissing him or for him to even touch me. I just wanted him to go home, but since he had drunk a little more than he probably should’ve to drive home, and me being the nice person I am, I let him stay over. No, we did not do a thing besides kiss. But needless to say, I probably won’t be going on another date with him or probably with anyone for awhile. I can’t really enjoy a date when the whole time I’m out doing something with a guy that I’m wishing it was my “Ex” there instead. And that’s not fair to him or even to me really. Not that the “Ex” and I really did all that much the last few years, but it still made my heart bleed a little to be out and doing things without him. I need to do exactly as the quote says and let go of the past, but I’m seriously scared of what may happen if I completely let go of him. And the only actual link I have left to him is our cell bill. I texted him last night about the date, and he was of no help what so ever, and as I’m writing this all I can do is shake my head at the memory, and want to scream. He doesn’t care, has never cared, and will never care about me or anyone else for that matter. I can’t seem to shake him no matter how much I realize and know he was and never will be my perfect half. Neither of us are what the other person want or could want. It’s sad since we tried for 9 years trying to be that person for the other. We finally, or he finally said enough was enough and we went our separate ways.
I have made up with my friend, best friend, that I have so purposely bashed in recent blogs. God, I missed her. Tonight will be our first night out as best friends again. I’m so thankful and happy that she’s back. I’m glad we can overlook the wrong doings and forgive each other for our past behavior. I am 30 years old and acted like I was in high school again. My good friend and I have spent many days and nights talking about the situation and he actually opened my eyes to some things I wasn’t looking at. Things I should’ve took a step back and looked at. Makes me feel a little immature. Feck that, I did act seriously immature. Glad, all that’s done and over.